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  • kiarasjay85

The heart is forever making the head its fool.

Updated: 51 minutes ago





“I’m disappointed in you mum”


No words a parent ever wants to hear from their 10 year old daughter.


Picture a large spider web. A pretty, neat one like that of an orb weaver, not so much like that of a disorganized heckled mesh weaver.


In the middle you have a magnificent spider, let’s say a Brazilian Wandering Spider. Beautiful but deadly.


You, a juicy little fly, lands on the web.

BW comes along and starts to spin you up in its silk, slowly wrapping you up, layer upon layer, making it harder and harder to leave. Eventually BW stops spinning you and begins feeding off you, slowly.


But you’re caught, you’re stuck, mesmerized and unaware of what’s happening. Every now and then another little fly will land on the outside of BW’s web. The spider will leave you, investigate the new fly and see if it can wrap that one up too. It won’t set you free, but it needs to see what the shiny new fly can offer it, so secretly, quietly, it leaves.


Sometimes that new little fly will escape before BW can start to ensnare it, much as it has you. Sometimes BW will, upon investigation, realize the new fly won’t sustain it as well as you do. Sometimes the new fly is juicier than you are, and the spider won’t ever return, leaving you there tangled and drained.


The spider is a narcissist. They spin their victim up in admiration, affection, compliments, flattery, praise, and attention.


Love bombing.


They eventually stop spinning and when they do that’s when they begin to feed off the love you have for them, the love they need to feel validated and special.


Their ‘web’ is always open, they’re always feeling for vibrations from new ‘fly’s’ and once you’re stuck in their web and have supplied a continuous source of sustenance, they begin to lose interest. You no longer feed their need for admiration as well as you once did. When someone new presents themselves the narcissist will go cold, distance themselves, leave and investigate the potential new food source that will provide them with what they crave.


Sometimes it doesn’t work out for them, the shiny new thing isn’t giving them what they need or isn’t as interested in them as they hoped, and they come back to you, their main source. They begin to spin you, love bomb you, once again, just to make sure you’re well and truly subjugated, but not for as long this time. You’re still under their spell from last time so not as much effort is needed.


Sometimes they don’t come back; the other person they’ve caught becoming the new main source of one-way loyalty and admiration. But, instead of cutting you free so you can fly away, they make you spend however long struggling against the silk you’re spun in, struggling with no answers, pain, heartache and feelings of self-loathing, and sometimes never fully getting rid of the last threads of the experience.


“I’m disappointed in you mum”


Lacking the ability to feel empathy you’re likely never going to get closure from your narcissistic ex. You’ll never have the ‘why’ answered. Even if you did you wouldn’t be able to trust the lies that they spin as expertly as they do their web.


They will feel like they are the victim. They will believe they are a misunderstood, genuine, and caring individual that has done no wrong.


But the why does become clear in time and the need for ‘closure’ disappears.


While you are engaged in a relationship with them, you’ll be put through a rollercoaster of emotions. You may question reality as they sow self-doubt and confusion into your core. You could raise a concern with their cold and distant behavior, changes in their mood, and find yourself, by the end of the discussion, apologizing for something you have purportedly done or said and yet with no resolution to the concerns you have raised. You’ll question your own judgement and intuition as they withhold, refusing to listen to what you have to say, pretending they have no idea where you are coming from. And the deeper you get the more you may apologize for you, who you are, in an effort to repair a connection that was never there to begin with, not for them.


Gaslighting.


I reached out on a few mediums to try and get some stories from others who had suffered within a relationship with someone who displayed strong narcissistic traits.


The stories shared with me were all the same. Different in the details, but the abuser was identical. Love bombing, gaslighting, tendency toward hostile behavior, lies.


One lovely lady had two experiences with narcissism. One with her mother and one with her ex-husband. She was able to walk away from them both and her strength since those experiences is inspiring. Her mother had many issues aside from narcissism and a lot of them have only come to light for her in recent years.


Her ex-husband was diagnosed with NPD and she said her biggest strength during their relationship was recognizing his need to have power over her emotional state, to know the influence and control he had over her mind and heart. With being aware of this side of him she denied the pain she was in and lived her life as though unaffected. She suggested this may not have been a healthy coping mechanism but, for her, it was a coping mechanism and provided her with some solace and relief, and a small amount of power that allowed her to find her eventual freedom.


Whatever story you have, whatever pain you have lived through, you are not alone.


A good friend said something that has stuck with me.


‘It must be tragic to want something that you see in others but are too damaged to have’.


So, what do you do after its done? Do you watch for red flags in everyone you come across, believing there isn’t a good soul out there? Do you embark on something new with someone else but instantly distrust them until they have proven they’re worthy being trusted? Do you hold onto feeling worthless, ugly, weak and undesirable?


No. Yes, probably, but we shouldn’t. There are good people out there. There are beautiful, healthy individuals who wouldn’t dream of behaving in this way.


A narcissist finds appealing, is attracted to, qualities they can’t possess. Honesty, loyalty, intelligence, faithfulness, empathy, kindness, and passion. For you to have found yourself in a relationship with one means you possess most, if not all, of these qualities.


Don’t deny the world your sparkle. Take time to find yourself, to heal. Hate on the traits they’ve displayed but not the gender they have come from. Be wary yes, you know now what to look for, what may indicate certain unwelcome behaviour down the track. But be you. Be your loveable, genuine, and intrinsically beautiful self. You may cross the path of another narcissist but keep your eyes open without closing off your heart. Don’t let the pain caused by one destroy the light inside you. See what others see, that you’re loveable, worthy, and genuine.


“I’m disappointed in you mum”


At the beginning of a relationship I was in I was told I was amazing. I was told I was strong. I was told I was beautiful. Funny, smart, sexy, powerful…you name it, I heard it. It was a whirlwind. And I fell in love.


The first couple of months I felt worshipped, sexy, adored. There was an excessive amount of flattery, attention, praise, affection, and admiration. They all dried up pretty quickly.


When things started to change, when he started to cycle through hot and cold periods, I was dismissed, my concerns responded to with denial. I was wrong, he was perfect, I was seeing things that weren’t there.


I questioned reality. I questioned my mental health.


Full of self-doubt, almost always confused about us and how he felt, I carried on, believing I was the problem and trying so hard to ensure I wasn’t. I was apologizing almost all the time. Apologizing for traits he once told me he found appealing that were suddenly annoying and irritating to him. Apologizing for being me.


We broke up a couple of times but I kept going back.


“I’m disappointed in you mum”


That’s all my daughter had to say on my decision to return.


I discovered he had been emotionally unfaithful about three weeks before we finally ended, later discovering he had also spent the better part of an entire weekend sleeping with someone else. What was strange was I was far more hurt by the emotional infidelity than I was the physical.


He had been talking to two women, inviting them out for dinner and drinks. He declared he had a crush on one during a relationship he was in prior to me, so I also found out I wasn’t the first he’d been unfaithful to, and he had still been sending her messages while we were together, wishing to see her, secret catch ups, whenever she was free.


“Say yes, it will be fun!’.


To the other he said that she fired up his soul during their chats, that not much in his life felt real and the way she made him feel was rare, the connection he felt with her powerful and nothing like he had ever felt before.


It was upsetting to discover but also quite sad. These women weren’t interested. Their replies delayed, short and polite.


I discovered he had told another woman, who had asked him out for a coffee date while he and I were dating, that he was seeing someone but It was ‘super casual, nothing serious, I’m not after anything serious, does that still work for you?’. That makes me laugh now. He told me about this one when she sent him the message asking him out for a coffee. He read out her message and he also read out his reply. This was the night before his birthday, two nights before I whisked him away on a romantic weekend to celebrate with him. I’m sure you won’t be surprised to learn that the reply he read out to me was not what was actually said. He stood there, reading from his phone, something like ‘Hey, I would be happy to catch up for a coffee however I should tell you that I am seeing someone’. He told me he only agreed to the coffee as she was a client that he didn’t want to upset or lose. Letting her down gently I think was how he phrased it.


I didn’t say anything straight away when I discovered his infidelity. Not about the chats or the physical aspect of his cheating. I was waiting for when he wasn’t working long hours, always tired, always moody, waiting for when he had time to see me. I held onto the evidence and buried it, pretending all was ok, acting like my heart hadn’t just been ripped out and stomped on.


I’m so ashamed of myself, what I put up with. I’m embarrassed, appalled, confused and humiliated. But I am determined that this story will teach me a valuable lesson, that it will become a positive experience I gain nothing but strength from. And I hope, in turn, it helps others who may read it.


I blocked his number, refusing to continue with text exchanges that he kept insisting on. Adults communicate better than that and I had requested more but was denied.


I blocked him on social media.


I doubt he will ever find a way to reach out; I am not concerned he will try. If you look up “final discard by a narcissist” you’ll find many behaviours that indicate when they’re finally done with you, most of which he’s exhibited with me. He has a new source now.


“I’m disappointed in you mum”


Yeah, me too sweetheart.

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