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  • Kiara Jacobs

I Am A Troll - A Tinder Tale

Updated: Nov 16, 2022

Not talking about the ugly little creatures often depicted in folklore, although possibly setting myself up for some serious teasing and backlash here titling this blog with ‘I am a Troll’. Get over your snide little remarks and let’s move on shall we!

I’m a Troll as defined in the urban dictionary: Someone who says deliberately provocative things with the intention of annoying another. I can’t seem to help it, but I am only a troll on one site. Tinder.

Yes, internet dating. What joy to be had, and what a bloody nightmare too. I recently popped in to see how the old world of online dating was going, dipping my toes in so to speak. And by golly, what a gloom ridden damp squib it is turning out to be!

Let’s start with Angelo, name changed. His profile promised fun and laughs, many do, common theme, but that’s where common stopped and backasswards began. Angelo has been hurt, so badly hurt, the poor guy, and the best way he saw to avoid it happening again was by clearly stating what he will and won’t accept. Actually, correction, what he won’t accept. Angelo will not be replying if you have children. He will not reply if you currently smoke or have ever smoked. He will not swipe right if your profile pic is off centre, contains another person, has your hair up or is heavily photo shopped. He will not entertain women with names like Candy or Blossom and will not use nicknames if they don’t resemble your given name in some way shape or form. Angelo does not want drama, and if you have any drama in your life, you are to immediately leave his profile! He does not want to be with anyone who isn’t full time employed, who doesn’t drive and who cries for no reason. He seeks an excellent communicator who can hold a conversation, that isn’t self-centred, for more than 1 hour. No liars, no telling jokes with hidden meanings and no dating any one else once you commence a conversation with him until he deems if there is anything worth pursuing between you. And this is where his pain comes in; they must never have cheated on anyone, nor will ever cheat and they must not…MUST NOT…have an excessive amount of male friends. Oh, and they should come with zero baggage. Troll that I am, I had to reach out.

'Hey Angelo, great profile, loved reading it. I am a mother of 3, I have definitely smoked and I am pretty sure my profile pic is slightly skewed to the left. But my hair is down! Luckily my nickname is KiKi, similar to Kiara, so that's great. I have no drama in my life, none worth mentioning anyway. Oh, aside from some serious anxiety surrounding my mothers recent passing which can drive me loopy, definitely creating a poop load of drama. I work full time and drive a Ute! I can help you move furniture and do dump runs. I can talk for countless hours about most things but alas I have many a male friend. I don't lie, mainly because I cant remember them thanks to a stroke my son caused by accidentally falling on my neck. Well, that first bit was a lie. I do lie, I just don't get away with it so don't do it very often at all! I have never cheated, nor ever will, isn't that wonderful? So you listed 21 things you wont accept, and I only hit 23.81% of them, wanna catch up?' He didn't, sadly.

Then there was Fred. Look, I’m not creative enough to come up with fancy names, Fred will do. He was just divine. His photo was of the moon and his profile was short yet succinct. ‘Yep, Fun’. I can’t remember if that comma was there now, it may have been ‘Yep fun’. He reached out with a 'Hey', I reached right back with a 'Yep no', may have been 'Yep, no'.

Leaving strange profiles now and onto some brief chats I've had with a couple of people. Most of them have been fine. Normal enough, nothing worth writing home about. Pleasant, sane, sometimes witty sometimes not. Odd one though that grinds my gears.

‘Hay darl hru?’ How much time they saved writing ‘hru’ instead of ‘how are you’! I know I’m being a little bitchy with that one, but I do love when words are not excessively abbreviated. So, my reply was ‘Neighhhh. Idwihyadwt’, obviously an abbreviated version of ‘I’m doing well, I hope you are doing well too’. I didn’t get so much as a laughing emoji.

‘hav u got kids ive got 2 they 16 20 beers are better than wine.’ Yet his profile was written quite well! My reply: ’16, good age, how old is your other child? I’d probably have said 12 beers were better than wine’. Again, no laughing emoji, but I do know I think I’m funnier than I actually am.

Last example that supports my claim of being a Troll: ‘send me a sexy pic of you now’ *sends photo of a word document with ‘you now’ written on it in a cursive font and a picture of kissing lips beneath it.

I’m sure I'll have more Tinder Tales to come. Stay tuned!

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