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  • Kiara Jacobs

Entertaining A Fool - A Tinder Tale

Updated: Nov 16, 2022

I really don’t feel too bad writing these. No one who is the subject, main character if you like, is ever going to see these blog posts. I do feel kinda mean exposing these Tinder Fools but I am trying to make myself feel better by highlighting that they'll never know!

This particular blog comes to you from approximately 6 days of gathering material. I committed to 5 so I could write and publish this yesterday, but last night was way too entertaining. It’s been a torturous 6 days, but I don’t quit easily so persisted through it.

Meet Tyrone. Name changed of course.

Tyrone reached out on a Sunday. His profile picture was something I really don’t see too often from his gender; he was posing with duck face. A pouty, sexy as hell (heavy sarcasm), duck face. Flicking through his other photos I realised it was on purpose. 80% of them had that feature and the ones that didn’t showed him with his tongue sticking out. I don’t judge (I absolutely judge, don’t believe a word I say) so I replied to his “Hey how are you” with a friendly “Super amazingly wonderful, how are you?”. I was in a mood; I see how over the top that was now.

He replied, one hour later, with “Doing well thanks, how are you doing?” We have established I am super amazingly wonderful mate.

“Still doing much the same as I was! How is your Sunday looking?”

“Boring I haven’t got any friends”. Oh, dear Lord. “Will you be my friend Kirra?”

“It’s Kiara, and I will try and be your friend Tyrone. Tell me about you”. You may be thinking about now that I was a little mean, condescending, rude, a bit of hoodwinker, but I knew from the very beginning where Tyrone was going with this.

“I have a really huge c**k and I can make you happy.”

We need more Tyrone’s in the world. They’re honest, direct, and well hung apparently.

“Tyrone, I’m not comfortable talking about your penis, did you want to try again and tell me some nice things about who you are and what makes you tick?”

And over the next 5 days he sort of obliged.

Monday he was still sad he had no friends.

Monday night he asked for my phone number so he could send me a picture of his manly part and get my opinion on its size. I declined.

Tuesday he told me he was happy because I was his friend and still talking to him.

Tuesday night he apologised for wanting to send me a dick pic the night before and asked if he could please send me a dick pic…. again. I declined. We also moved from Tinder to WhatsApp.

Wednesday he was sad because not only did he have no friends, he didn’t like his job as a traffic controller, where he also had no friends.

Wednesday night he said he had a mark on the base of his penis and as I was his only friend he wanted to know if I would look at it for him. I advised I was unable to as I was cutting up an onion.

Thursday he was sad he had no friends, hungry because his friend at work ate his lunch (yep, I caught onto that one too, he did have at least one friend at work) and happy because I was still talking to him.

Thursday night he sent me the picture. The one I knew was coming.

But I was ready.

I am always ready for these situations.

I had a pre downloaded penis pic (please, if I die in your company, smash my phone so no one sees my search history) and I returned his picture with my downloaded one. This is something I have done many times before, it’s my go to comeback to a surprisingly commonplace occurrence, saying “Oh wow Tyrone, nice! What do you think of mine?”

When I have done this in the past, I’ve had two responses: They either stop talking to me completely, or they send an awkward ‘lol’ and then stop talking to me. Tyrone now allows me to amend that statement to three responses. This is cut and paste.

“Are you rly a man its realy nice can I touch it please”


So yeah. Dating is going well! I have not stayed in ‘touch’ with Tyrone.

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